Paper Clip

The flow of the words was good, but I didn't like the punctuation. It messes with how the poem is read; I'd suggest using more commas instead of periods. I liked how everything rhymed (hence, it would make a good song), but for a poem, you used the same rhymes over and over again, as far as "you," "do," and "too" go.

As far as the paper clip metaphor goes, it's a superb idea, it just contradicts itself a couple of times. I don't know why you'd need a paper clip if you're trying to get over the relationship. I'd decide what route you want the poem to take: break off, or hang in. If the speaker is desiring both, make that clearer in the poem.

My last comment concerns your last line. It's a nice thought that you're learning and all, but the line is thrown out at the reader from out of nowhere. The first time I read it, I missed it altogether. I'd suggest either taking it out of the poem, or expanding on the idea.

All in all, it's a nice poem. PM me if you have any questions about my comment. Merry writing!

This seems more like a set of song lyrics to me than a poem. It presents one thing, and sticks with that one thing for the whole song, not really developing. In fact, I think that it would be a lovely song. And as such, I like the first line, how it begins right in the middle of things.

PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia

Oh this is really nice, Max.

I do agree that this could make a really nice song if you wanted to try it out. But it's still good as is.

Keep up the good work!

Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

I like the way you used a commonplace object in a poetic way. I think this would sound really good as a song.